Tough Conversations

The hardest conversation is actually the easiest.  Wait, did I say the correctly?  Yes, yes I did.  A little louder for those in the back… The hardest conversation is actually the easiest!  Let’s dive in and pick this apart.

Do you dread having tough conversations, especially with people you love?  I mean, I do. I hate it.  I don’t like confrontation.  But what if I said that that statement alone creates the problem.  Since when is a conversation a confrontation?  When we buy into the statement “I hate confrontation”, we are assuming that bringing up a hard topic is automatically a confrontation. But why?  Is it really confrontational, every single time?  In reality it isn’t and if you can set up the conversation in a manner that begets a conversation rather than an argument, we can begin to solve problems.

To move into a state of mind that is ready for a conversation, there is one piece of advice I received from one of my best friends.  She said it is easier to discuss a problem at hand by using an object to represent the problem.  A conversation between significant others is not a competition or time to be defensive.  There is a problem at hand (i.e. object) and you BOTH have to discuss it. Not each other, IT.  Does that make sense?  Trust me, it works.

Let’s also think about the types of problems we have in our relationships.  Is it a “hear it” problem or a “solve it” problem? Whoa! What?!  Wait…. Different types of problems?  That fact sort of blew my mind. But seriously, determine the TYPE of problem you both have. 

In a “hear it” sort of situation, you really just need to tell someone how you feel.  There isn’t anything to solve, per se, but having someone hear you out is what you need to internally resolve how you are feeling.  First, we will still use the speaker/listener technique. This allows the listener to paraphrase the other persons feelings which communicates understanding. If this matter requires apologies, ask for it.  Sometimes, telling someone they hurt your feelings and hearing an apology is important. Lastly, as the speaker, please communicate gratitude for your person listening to you. It means a lot to have someone who is committed to listening, especially if they were ‘in the wrong’. This takes a lot of emotional maturity, so embrace it.

If we are talking about a “fix it” problem, we are looking for change to resolve the conflict.  Some groundwork is needed in this step and writing things down ahead of time is important.  Gather your information and actually NAME the problem you want to solve. Again, we are solving the problem at hand (i.e. object) and not blaming or trying to make someone feel bad. Once the problem is presented, both sides should write out what about the problem you want to resolve.

In addition to having an object to represent the problem, writing things out ensures you stay to the point and don’t let heated feelings get in the way.  At this point, it is helpful to compare lists and see where you have common ground. Maybe you find you both felt the same way about the problem or situation and didn’t even know it! Each person may brainstorm solutions but the key here is to try to meet at least one of the things the other person wanted.  COMPROMISE my friends- COMP-RO-MISE. Try out your solutions and check in after a few days to see what is working.  If it isn’t, re-visit the brainstorming step until a solution feels right.

You CAN work through tough situations if you can reframe your thoughts about it to begin with.  Hard stuff doesn’t have to be hard, but our minds make it that way with narratives that often don’t hold truth.  Approach a problem or conflict with curiosity and you might find that suddenly, its no longer a confrontation but a healthy conversation that makes you walk away feeling heard and loved.

~Ms. Sara

From Busy Beaver to Self-Discovery

Remember when I started out the last blog introducing myself as a busy beaver? Let me add some context to what this really means. Everyone has a unique personality, right? For my women out there, when you were in high school, how many “personality tests” did you subject you and your friends to, maybe through magazines like Cosmopolitan or even on Myspace or Facebook? I swore by these as a teen and felt it would help me forecast my future in a concrete way. Don’t judge me, ok?

What I was really looking for was a way to define my values to better understand myself and what I could bring to the table in a relationship. Not only a romantic relationship but also in friendships. What was my value to others? A personality profile can be beneficial to a relationship because it uses specific words to help us define what is important to us and how we operate.

Just like communication sets up a solid foundation, self-discovery is another element for building strong, functional relationships. When you function from a values perspective, it is easier to be able to take information and apply it to your modus operandi. Thus, we get friends and relationships that are strong because we believe similarly and operate from similar values. If you’d like to take the personality profile to see what animal you might be, let me know! I can get you the hook up!

So, where do we go from here? Part of our values system is not only based in what we like, but also how our buttons get pushed and what sort of behaviors might have us “seeing red”. When learning how to communicate with your significant other it is important to first, identify a few key things about yourself.

Communication danger signs are those signs we need to examine as part of self-discovery. There are 4 areas where we may get to when pushed too far. They are escalation, invalidation (which includes sarcasm), withdrawal and negative interpretation. When you think about how you react to your person, you will be in one of these categories. Recognize these as your “danger zone” in which your brain is at the point in a conversation where you can no longer think clearly. Once you are in your danger zone, you are now in lizard brain. You are functioning from a place of survival, not connection.

This is the point in the conversation to call a time out. It is time to take a break if the temperature around the both of you is rising. The break should look like this: Use “I” or “we” when calling for a time out. Avoid “you”. It will sound like this: “I can feel myself getting upset. I need to take a break.” Or “This conversation feels heated. Can we take a break?”

Next, wait at least 30 minutes but less than 24 hours before tackling the issue. Commit to a different time to continue the conversation. It is also helpful to find a neutral space at home for these discussions going forward. Avoid bedrooms These shouldn’t be spaces where you remember being angry, hurt or upset. Kitchens are a good alternative. Also, set yourself a plan for what you will do during your timeout. Recognize what is behind your anger (hurt feelings, feeling unheard or misunderstood); and do something to soothe yourself. Take a walk, reading or journaling are all healthy outlets. My husband works out. My go-to is meditation. It is comforting to have someone telling me what to do in a kind manner. Guided meditation for me, is literally a friend telling me what to do next when I am at a loss with my feelings. A good cry never hurt anyone either. After all, what soap does for the body, tears are for the soul.

Lastly, try not to dwell on the negative thoughts that keep you angry ( fyi, this one is REALLY hard for me). Instead, tell yourself something soothing, reassuring, or comforting.

Time really does heal and is helpful to gain clarity on murky situations. Re-enter your conversation using safe communication techniques. Next time, we will re-visit the speaker/listener technique and go into solving our problems. I leave you with this, “ Trust in the Lord with all your heart” Proverbs 3:5

Navigating Communication in Relationships

When learning HOW to communicate with your significant other it is important to first, identify a few things about yourself. What are your communication “danger signs”? There are 4 areas where we may land- escalation, invalidation, withdrawal and negative interpretation. When you think about how you react to your person, you will be in one of these categories. Recognize these as your “danger zone” in which your brain is at the point in the conversation where you can no longer think clearly. Once you are in your danger zone, you are now in lizard brain. You are functioning from a place of survival, not connection.

Call a time out. It is time to take a break if the temperature of the conversation is rising. The break should look like this: Use “I” or “we” when calling for a time out. Avoid “you”. Wait at least 30 minutes but less than 24 hours before tackling the issue. Commit to a different time to continue the conversation. It is also helpful to find a neutral space at home for these discussions. Avoid bedrooms, the kitchen is great. Also, set yourself a plan for what you will do during the timeout. Recognize what is behind your anger (hurt feelings, feeling unheard or misunderstood); and do something to soothe yourself. Take a walk, reading or journaling are all healthy outlets. Lastly, try not to dwell on the negative thoughts that keep you angry ( fyi, this one is REALLY hard for me). Instead, tell yourself something soothing, reassuring, or comforting.

Time really does heal and is helpful to gain clarity on murky situations. Re-enter your conversation using safe communication techniques. Next month, we will detail HOW to have that conversation in a safe setting.

Navigating Marriage and Parenting

Hi, my name is Sara, and I am a busy beaver. My husband is a golden retriever. We have a nice family, but sometimes we fight.

Are you now asking yourself, “Okay Sara, what are you talking about?” If you are, I promise I am not crazy. I am, in fact, a busy beaver. It is my animal archetype from a training my husband and I went through a few years back. You see, my husband is a First Responder, and we were given an opportunity to attend a couples retreat hosted by the Center for Relationship Education. We found the workshop so helpful and enlightening that we decided to become certified trainers ourselves.

Fast forward to my role as a preschool teacher. How does this have anything to do with relationships? Well, a lot, actually. In my blessed role as a teacher, I am honored to meet and get to know some amazing parents. Parents like you who are working SO hard in careers and trying to raise decent, competent little humans. And I can see how hard it is at times. Parenting is not an easy job, but you know what is even harder? Marriage or partnerships. Yeah, it is true. Marriage is hard. I’d argue it is harder than parenting, personally. Things like illnesses, job losses, or the loss of family members or the health of your child, etc., can really throw a wrench into what seemed like an idyllic road when you said your vows.

I’ll be honest; I was not prepared for how my husband shows up in fatherhood. Some of our biggest arguments have come from parenting choices. Life was fine before kids! We’ve had moments where we’ve honestly had to look at each other and decide if “this,” i.e., our marriage, is something we are willing to fight for. In all vulnerability, I have had to take a long look at myself and at us and decide if I still wanted to fight for our marriage. Then I remember his vows and saying how I saved his life. I remember him holding me as our son was hooked up to a breathing machine in the ICU after surgery. I remember coaching baseball with him and seeing our oldest son hit monster home runs out of the park, knowing we coached him together. I just can’t imagine not having Chris by my side.

Choices in a relationship are not easy ones. But we all have to make them. One of my favorite quotes I’ve seen in recent memory describes choosing your hard. Marriage is hard, but so is divorce.

When you’re in a marriage funk, it can feel like you’ll never get out of it. There’s a question of “okay, what now?” Breaking the tension is uncomfortable and awkward. It just doesn’t feel good. And it gets carried into how we show up elsewhere in our life. Our kids can sense it even if we are doing our best to hide it. I am sure coworkers that have known you for a long time might also sense a shift in you.

Communication is the foundation for any healthy and strong relationship. Without a strong base, the whole building crumbles. Architectural marvels of the world have lasted thousands of years because of strong foundations. Think about the last time you had to have a tough conversation. It is common when having conversations about uncomfortable topics or hurt feelings to get defensive, shut down, or escalate. But these behaviors rarely lead to meaningful conversations. There is a helpful model for structuring these types of conversations called the “speaker/listener” technique. The goal is to feel heard and understood. When practicing, it is important to know two things: First, we are not reaching agreements. Second, we are not problem-solving. In this, we are simply getting to the root of feelings about a specific topic.

First, the speaker will need to speak for themselves. Keep statements brief and stop now and then to let the listener paraphrase. The speaker has the floor and they keep it. You can use an object that you share to help visually recognize who has what role. Maybe the speaker holds a coffee cup to establish they are the one with the floor.

The listener will need to paraphrase and work to keep focus on the message. It is not your role to rebut their statements. The listener can use phrases like “So what you’re saying is…”; “So from your point of view…” or “Let me see if I heard you correctly…”

Once both parties have switched roles, it may be time to simply sit with what was said. Depending on when you are discussing this, you may be out of time to get into problem-solving. It’s ok! Problem-solving will come later and I have some helpful tips for this you can look forward to in a future post! For now, take some time to process what was said. Time is helpful to gain perspective on the subject. Often times, the person who brought up their feelings just wanted to be heard. By using this technique, you are showing your partner’s feelings are valued and you are there for them.

In parting, I’d remind you that minor conflicts and disagreements are NORMAL in any relationship form. Going through the motions of life is also NORMAL, and none of this means anything is wrong with you OR your relationship. Commitment isn’t a given. It takes work, and the most rewarding work is in the nitty-gritty and ugly parts. My husband Chris and I have been our best and strongest in the worst possible situations. The decisions we make in the here and now will impact the then and there. You are stronger together than apart, and a perfect relationship doesn’t exist. What does is two people who refuse to give up.