Navigating Marriage and Parenting

Hi, my name is Sara, and I am a busy beaver. My husband is a golden retriever. We have a nice family, but sometimes we fight.

Are you now asking yourself, “Okay Sara, what are you talking about?” If you are, I promise I am not crazy. I am, in fact, a busy beaver. It is my animal archetype from a training my husband and I went through a few years back. You see, my husband is a First Responder, and we were given an opportunity to attend a couples retreat hosted by the Center for Relationship Education. We found the workshop so helpful and enlightening that we decided to become certified trainers ourselves.

Fast forward to my role as a preschool teacher. How does this have anything to do with relationships? Well, a lot, actually. In my blessed role as a teacher, I am honored to meet and get to know some amazing parents. Parents like you who are working SO hard in careers and trying to raise decent, competent little humans. And I can see how hard it is at times. Parenting is not an easy job, but you know what is even harder? Marriage or partnerships. Yeah, it is true. Marriage is hard. I’d argue it is harder than parenting, personally. Things like illnesses, job losses, or the loss of family members or the health of your child, etc., can really throw a wrench into what seemed like an idyllic road when you said your vows.

I’ll be honest; I was not prepared for how my husband shows up in fatherhood. Some of our biggest arguments have come from parenting choices. Life was fine before kids! We’ve had moments where we’ve honestly had to look at each other and decide if “this,” i.e., our marriage, is something we are willing to fight for. In all vulnerability, I have had to take a long look at myself and at us and decide if I still wanted to fight for our marriage. Then I remember his vows and saying how I saved his life. I remember him holding me as our son was hooked up to a breathing machine in the ICU after surgery. I remember coaching baseball with him and seeing our oldest son hit monster home runs out of the park, knowing we coached him together. I just can’t imagine not having Chris by my side.

Choices in a relationship are not easy ones. But we all have to make them. One of my favorite quotes I’ve seen in recent memory describes choosing your hard. Marriage is hard, but so is divorce.

When you’re in a marriage funk, it can feel like you’ll never get out of it. There’s a question of “okay, what now?” Breaking the tension is uncomfortable and awkward. It just doesn’t feel good. And it gets carried into how we show up elsewhere in our life. Our kids can sense it even if we are doing our best to hide it. I am sure coworkers that have known you for a long time might also sense a shift in you.

Communication is the foundation for any healthy and strong relationship. Without a strong base, the whole building crumbles. Architectural marvels of the world have lasted thousands of years because of strong foundations. Think about the last time you had to have a tough conversation. It is common when having conversations about uncomfortable topics or hurt feelings to get defensive, shut down, or escalate. But these behaviors rarely lead to meaningful conversations. There is a helpful model for structuring these types of conversations called the “speaker/listener” technique. The goal is to feel heard and understood. When practicing, it is important to know two things: First, we are not reaching agreements. Second, we are not problem-solving. In this, we are simply getting to the root of feelings about a specific topic.

First, the speaker will need to speak for themselves. Keep statements brief and stop now and then to let the listener paraphrase. The speaker has the floor and they keep it. You can use an object that you share to help visually recognize who has what role. Maybe the speaker holds a coffee cup to establish they are the one with the floor.

The listener will need to paraphrase and work to keep focus on the message. It is not your role to rebut their statements. The listener can use phrases like “So what you’re saying is…”; “So from your point of view…” or “Let me see if I heard you correctly…”

Once both parties have switched roles, it may be time to simply sit with what was said. Depending on when you are discussing this, you may be out of time to get into problem-solving. It’s ok! Problem-solving will come later and I have some helpful tips for this you can look forward to in a future post! For now, take some time to process what was said. Time is helpful to gain perspective on the subject. Often times, the person who brought up their feelings just wanted to be heard. By using this technique, you are showing your partner’s feelings are valued and you are there for them.

In parting, I’d remind you that minor conflicts and disagreements are NORMAL in any relationship form. Going through the motions of life is also NORMAL, and none of this means anything is wrong with you OR your relationship. Commitment isn’t a given. It takes work, and the most rewarding work is in the nitty-gritty and ugly parts. My husband Chris and I have been our best and strongest in the worst possible situations. The decisions we make in the here and now will impact the then and there. You are stronger together than apart, and a perfect relationship doesn’t exist. What does is two people who refuse to give up.