Navigating Communication in Relationships

When learning HOW to communicate with your significant other it is important to first, identify a few things about yourself. What are your communication “danger signs”? There are 4 areas where we may land- escalation, invalidation, withdrawal and negative interpretation. When you think about how you react to your person, you will be in one of these categories. Recognize these as your “danger zone” in which your brain is at the point in the conversation where you can no longer think clearly. Once you are in your danger zone, you are now in lizard brain. You are functioning from a place of survival, not connection.

Call a time out. It is time to take a break if the temperature of the conversation is rising. The break should look like this: Use “I” or “we” when calling for a time out. Avoid “you”. Wait at least 30 minutes but less than 24 hours before tackling the issue. Commit to a different time to continue the conversation. It is also helpful to find a neutral space at home for these discussions. Avoid bedrooms, the kitchen is great. Also, set yourself a plan for what you will do during the timeout. Recognize what is behind your anger (hurt feelings, feeling unheard or misunderstood); and do something to soothe yourself. Take a walk, reading or journaling are all healthy outlets. Lastly, try not to dwell on the negative thoughts that keep you angry ( fyi, this one is REALLY hard for me). Instead, tell yourself something soothing, reassuring, or comforting.

Time really does heal and is helpful to gain clarity on murky situations. Re-enter your conversation using safe communication techniques. Next month, we will detail HOW to have that conversation in a safe setting.