From Busy Beaver to Self-Discovery
Remember when I started out the last blog introducing myself as a busy beaver? Let me add some context to what this really means. Everyone has a unique personality, right? For my women out there, when you were in high school, how many “personality tests” did you subject you and your friends to, maybe through magazines like Cosmopolitan or even on Myspace or Facebook? I swore by these as a teen and felt it would help me forecast my future in a concrete way. Don’t judge me, ok?
What I was really looking for was a way to define my values to better understand myself and what I could bring to the table in a relationship. Not only a romantic relationship but also in friendships. What was my value to others? A personality profile can be beneficial to a relationship because it uses specific words to help us define what is important to us and how we operate.
Just like communication sets up a solid foundation, self-discovery is another element for building strong, functional relationships. When you function from a values perspective, it is easier to be able to take information and apply it to your modus operandi. Thus, we get friends and relationships that are strong because we believe similarly and operate from similar values. If you’d like to take the personality profile to see what animal you might be, let me know! I can get you the hook up!
So, where do we go from here? Part of our values system is not only based in what we like, but also how our buttons get pushed and what sort of behaviors might have us “seeing red”. When learning how to communicate with your significant other it is important to first, identify a few key things about yourself.
Communication danger signs are those signs we need to examine as part of self-discovery. There are 4 areas where we may get to when pushed too far. They are escalation, invalidation (which includes sarcasm), withdrawal and negative interpretation. When you think about how you react to your person, you will be in one of these categories. Recognize these as your “danger zone” in which your brain is at the point in a conversation where you can no longer think clearly. Once you are in your danger zone, you are now in lizard brain. You are functioning from a place of survival, not connection.
This is the point in the conversation to call a time out. It is time to take a break if the temperature around the both of you is rising. The break should look like this: Use “I” or “we” when calling for a time out. Avoid “you”. It will sound like this: “I can feel myself getting upset. I need to take a break.” Or “This conversation feels heated. Can we take a break?”
Next, wait at least 30 minutes but less than 24 hours before tackling the issue. Commit to a different time to continue the conversation. It is also helpful to find a neutral space at home for these discussions going forward. Avoid bedrooms These shouldn’t be spaces where you remember being angry, hurt or upset. Kitchens are a good alternative. Also, set yourself a plan for what you will do during your timeout. Recognize what is behind your anger (hurt feelings, feeling unheard or misunderstood); and do something to soothe yourself. Take a walk, reading or journaling are all healthy outlets. My husband works out. My go-to is meditation. It is comforting to have someone telling me what to do in a kind manner. Guided meditation for me, is literally a friend telling me what to do next when I am at a loss with my feelings. A good cry never hurt anyone either. After all, what soap does for the body, tears are for the soul.
Lastly, try not to dwell on the negative thoughts that keep you angry ( fyi, this one is REALLY hard for me). Instead, tell yourself something soothing, reassuring, or comforting.
Time really does heal and is helpful to gain clarity on murky situations. Re-enter your conversation using safe communication techniques. Next time, we will re-visit the speaker/listener technique and go into solving our problems. I leave you with this, “ Trust in the Lord with all your heart” Proverbs 3:5