Tough Conversations
The hardest conversation is actually the easiest. Wait, did I say the correctly? Yes, yes I did. A little louder for those in the back… The hardest conversation is actually the easiest! Let’s dive in and pick this apart.
Do you dread having tough conversations, especially with people you love? I mean, I do. I hate it. I don’t like confrontation. But what if I said that that statement alone creates the problem. Since when is a conversation a confrontation? When we buy into the statement “I hate confrontation”, we are assuming that bringing up a hard topic is automatically a confrontation. But why? Is it really confrontational, every single time? In reality it isn’t and if you can set up the conversation in a manner that begets a conversation rather than an argument, we can begin to solve problems.
To move into a state of mind that is ready for a conversation, there is one piece of advice I received from one of my best friends. She said it is easier to discuss a problem at hand by using an object to represent the problem. A conversation between significant others is not a competition or time to be defensive. There is a problem at hand (i.e. object) and you BOTH have to discuss it. Not each other, IT. Does that make sense? Trust me, it works.
Let’s also think about the types of problems we have in our relationships. Is it a “hear it” problem or a “solve it” problem? Whoa! What?! Wait…. Different types of problems? That fact sort of blew my mind. But seriously, determine the TYPE of problem you both have.
In a “hear it” sort of situation, you really just need to tell someone how you feel. There isn’t anything to solve, per se, but having someone hear you out is what you need to internally resolve how you are feeling. First, we will still use the speaker/listener technique. This allows the listener to paraphrase the other persons feelings which communicates understanding. If this matter requires apologies, ask for it. Sometimes, telling someone they hurt your feelings and hearing an apology is important. Lastly, as the speaker, please communicate gratitude for your person listening to you. It means a lot to have someone who is committed to listening, especially if they were ‘in the wrong’. This takes a lot of emotional maturity, so embrace it.
If we are talking about a “fix it” problem, we are looking for change to resolve the conflict. Some groundwork is needed in this step and writing things down ahead of time is important. Gather your information and actually NAME the problem you want to solve. Again, we are solving the problem at hand (i.e. object) and not blaming or trying to make someone feel bad. Once the problem is presented, both sides should write out what about the problem you want to resolve.
In addition to having an object to represent the problem, writing things out ensures you stay to the point and don’t let heated feelings get in the way. At this point, it is helpful to compare lists and see where you have common ground. Maybe you find you both felt the same way about the problem or situation and didn’t even know it! Each person may brainstorm solutions but the key here is to try to meet at least one of the things the other person wanted. COMPROMISE my friends- COMP-RO-MISE. Try out your solutions and check in after a few days to see what is working. If it isn’t, re-visit the brainstorming step until a solution feels right.
You CAN work through tough situations if you can reframe your thoughts about it to begin with. Hard stuff doesn’t have to be hard, but our minds make it that way with narratives that often don’t hold truth. Approach a problem or conflict with curiosity and you might find that suddenly, its no longer a confrontation but a healthy conversation that makes you walk away feeling heard and loved.
~Ms. Sara